SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is such a jarring feeling. D-day was 2 months ago and I was head over heels in love with my fiance for 6 years and so was he. Finding out he cheated has been such a rupture to my reality and I don't know what to do or how to help myself.

I never, ever, ever thought he would ever cross boundaries with any woman, let alone a friend of mine. He is doing his best to be there for me - we are in weekly couples therapy and he is in individual therapy. He listens to me, checks in with me, tries to recognize my triggers, reassures me, etc.

I just feel ice cold on the inside when he tells me he loves me or kisses me or cuddles me. We used to have the most secure and fun-loving relationship I could ever imagine and what we are experiencing now is hell. Every time he holds my hand or puts his hand on my thigh I feel her presence, every time we are intimate I picture them together, when he texts me sweet things I think about how he's using his charm on me now instead of her. I feel like everything is fake, what once was sacred and innocent can never be what it was anymore.

I am really afraid of losing feelings but I just cannot look at him with the warmth I used to look at him with. There is so much rage, resentment, anger and I just wonder how could someone love so deeply then look me in the eye and lie to me while she is also standing right beside me? I spent 6 years trusting an honest person and then he lied to my face in the worst way possible. It really scares me.

I am venting but also looking for advice I guess, I don't know. How do you get any warmth back? I want to be with an honest person and maybe deep down I won't be able to look past the fact that he wasn't, even if he is now and is for the rest of time... maybe I can't accept that he would go to the extent he did to deceive me.

Different folks have different perceptions/ideas/moral codes/integrity rules/ etc. that affect how they react to violation(s) of social codes. "Fiance" implies there is some social code and, for you, that code has been violated.

My suggestion - well two:

Sever the "fiance" relation - aka do a "friendzone" and go from there. If time passes and you can heal - then condsider a more binding relationship.

I really good thread by/about someone who had to deal with a violation of a social code:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/552588/thought-we-had-a-good-marriage/

Long thread and full of posts with different perspectives on the "social violation"

I vote you "stick a fork" in your current personal relationship.

suggest you look up:
"How the Japanese art of Kintsugi can help you deal with stressful situations"

@ funny thing I remember your story. Hope you are holding up alright. My advice is don’t run from your feelings / try to change how you feel. Don’t be afraid of losing feelings , or feel like you need to feel warmth again. Just sit with your feelings (which are probably back and forth a lot, I get it I am right here with you!) and try and understand what you really want. It’s probably hard to do without space from him. For me, since d day I have had a firm boundary of no physical touch. It’s helped me think about things more logically without getting enveloped as much. It can be confusing when you’re living with someone and you’re not sure about your future together. But just because he wants you to continue the relationship does not necessarily mean that’s what going to end up being best for you. You need the emotional space to think it through without the pressure on yourself. See if you can take some distance in some way, even if it’s just a physical boundary etc. or spending a few nights a week with family. It’s a lot to sort through mentally and it’s exhausting to think about all day every day. Also focus on building up the other parts of your life that you enjoy. I can feel myself getting closer to being able to let go of what is not right for me. It takes time to sit with your own feelings and accept them. Or to really even define them and know what you really want in your life. Take away the pressure - let yourself know that it’s ok that you’re not feeling good about things right now. Trust your own inner voice that you will be at peace with the way you feel and make decisions that match that, even if you’re not at that point yet. We are in the middle of a nasty process, no matter which outcome we end up with later .

This is such a jarring feeling. D-day was 2 months ago and I was head over heels in love with my fiance for 6 years and so was he. Finding out he cheated has been such a rupture to my reality and I don't know what to do or how to help myself.

This may sound harsh, but sister, truth is you were in love with him.

Ends there.

If he cheated, he can’t even love himself, never mind you, what you see is unfortunately a performance to farm validation.

And I do know that realization hurts, I am not telling you to cause you pain, but to reclaim clarity.

On the other hand, now he shown you the truth he was hiding behind the mask, and you can look at him with new eyes:

If you can Believe and accept this is exactly who he is, you would find a modicum of peace because you are accepting the reality of things, not defending the shattered dream of your relationship, how you honestly believed it was.

He is broken, dirty and deceiving, manipulative and dishonest and abusing you to feel better about his worthlessness.

That’s the person he chose to become.

When you see him you regain agency. With agency comes peace and clarity. You can see and decide.

And once you see you are working from the other end of the straw:

Now you know just how bad he is. If you see will to change you will feel if it’s honest because he has to truly prove you now, not just deceive with performance.

That changes it all.

This is such a jarring feeling.

Yes, it is. Very jarring, indeed! I know that feeling very well, unfortunately.

Get used to it. Get comfortable with the uncomfortable. It's a strange feeling, to say the least, when someone you love suddenly becomes extremely dangerous and untrustworthy.

What you're feeling is perfectly natural and very common.

I feel like everything is fake, what once was sacred and innocent can never be what it was anymore.

Yep. Also normal. We grieve the loss of the person we thought we knew and of the relationship we thought we had. It's heart-breaking.

I just feel ice cold on the inside... How do you get any warmth back?

Time and effort. If your fiance is willing to own and fix his shit, to do the work that reconciliation requires, he may earn some that warmth back. As you recovery and begin to heal, you might be comfortable with allowing some warmth to return. Maybe. There are a lot of "if"s.

I'm sure you'd rather resolve this feeling sooner rather than later. However, you both have a lot of hard work to do before that warmth can be rekindled.

In the meantime, focus on you and your recovery.

I agree with Unhinged, as usual.

I'll add that your feelings are likely to go through cycles, but eventually - 6 months? 12? longer? - you'll settle into one set of feelings or another. Maybe love will come back. Maybe it won't. You will know when you know.

If you're undecided on what you want your relationship to be, patience is your friend.

I feel so angry every day. I can't get out of bed, I don't want to go outside, I barely eat (I have lost 17 pounds), my suitcase is still unpacked and we got back from that trip mid September... I always unpack the same day or next day after any trip and it's been a month and a half of it just sitting there. My sleep has been terrible, although it improved in the last week until the last 2 nights. I know the big thing is that we need to take care of ourselves and put ourselves first but I am so depressed and mentally exhausted.

I feel like I have completely lost myself. We just moved to this city before we left for our trip so I don't recognize this as my "home", I just got a new job and everyone is going to be new and unfamiliar to me, I don't recognize the man I share my bed with and I don't recognize the woman in the mirror. All of my surroundings are unfamiliar. I don't recognize this life that I was excited to start being newly engaged, wedding planning, finally graduating after 10 years, living in the city of our dreams, adopting our first cat. ALL of that is just gone. There was so much to look forward to before and I am just constantly grieving the life that I was finally able to start not being in school anymore.

I am angry that the person I trusted the most took all of that away just because he couldn't handle my "friend" flirting with him at night when I slept in the other room. Like it was really THAT HARD to not fall into temptation? I am RIGHT there... I just can't. All I do is spiral and I want to focus on myself but I am so lost.

He really is trying so hard and is incredibly remorseful but my brain just thinks "wtf" all day, every day. I am tired.

I’m sorry if you already said it but are you going to individual counseling ? Are you taking meds ? I recognize the absolutely crushing depression and anxiety you’re feeling right now. I know it’s hard and I’m sorry this happened to you . I just want to say that you will rebuild your life again, with or without him. For me I started being able to get out of bed again after getting some stronger meds from my doctor for anxiety and sleep , and when I started focusing on myself- going out and doing things just for me (I’ve wasted a lot of money buying myself things I like to make me feel good but it’s helped) . I’m still depressed because I haven’t resolved the issue, but it’s not every second of every day anymore. And with each day that passes , I am feeling more and more like I’m getting ready to leave him because I deserve to be respected. And so do you ! see my message above- I think it might help you to take some space from him to think more clearly. Even if you just go out on your own more often and give your brain a break from being at home with him ruminating about it .

Edit to add - please buy some high protein shakes like "boost " so that you’re not hurting yourself and at least getting some calories !