SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel like we could use a forum for longer-term reconciliation folks. Past the 2-5 years of recovery. I'm in a place where we're mostly great. Finally, we argue about normal things, like money and family. And yet....the A still pops up for me. Not something that I mention, but certainly something that is in the back of my mind as we navigate normal again.

Ladybugmaam,

Great idea.

My spouse and I are long-haulers in this recovery process (35 years post D-day) and I want to go on record of being in strong support of a forum for individuals/couples who are years or even decades into rebuilding, reshaping, reimagining their once shattered marriage. I know my issues today are not the issues that tore my heart out, devastating my self-confidence and warped my views on life once the shock of finding out about my wife's affair. I am also become painfully aware that my advice is not wise advice for those in the early years so I have grown quiet. But I do believe I have something of value to offer as well as to gain from other long-haulers. I hope SI gives your request deep thought and consideration.

Asterisk

This is the right place. It would probably be great to see more posts of "my otherwise mundane marriage issue with a sprinkle of betrayal trauma" but we are here.

I think many of us slow way down in our posting when things calm down for us.

I think the taint is worst for me when we talk about commitment and honesty to our kids. Like obviously I know she values it, and it's the right value. But when you make such a horrible lapse, it just kinda stings when the topic comes up.

I would also be interested in a forum for that. I think traffic would be slow, but I would be ok with that.

I think it would be encouraging for others to see it can work out after infidelity and that there are people who can attest to that in a positive way.

So many of the longtime recon folks have moved on — or only check in every few years — it could be tough to sustain a full forum of topics.

I do think we could make a thread/folder in the I Can Relate forum work.

A place where we could all check in or discuss the progress or concerns we have along the way, etc.

We would just have to point it out for returning members or keep it as active as possible.

I would participate on and off.

Ladybugmaam, if there's something in particular you would like to discuss, I'm sure we'd all welcome it in this thread.

If this thread gains traction, an ICR thread is possible.

What would the content be that is different from the R forum?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:54 PM, Wednesday, October 28th]

If this thread gains traction, an ICR thread is possible.
What would the content be that is different from the R forum?

Sisson,

When I read Ladybugmaam’s thread I was thrilled at the idea.

For me it has become very difficult to speak of my journey or to offer advice because I have discovered what is helpful for individuals, (either side), who have been in reconciliation for many years or, like in my case, decades, what is good advice to consider, is actually terrible, even possibly harmful advice for individuals who are early in their reconciliation. It runs the risk of causing unnecessary stress and or thread squabbling .

For example: I believe that for a long-term couple in reconciliation, empathy and compassion is paramount. However, that is probably the last thing someone who is in the early stages wants or needs to hear. It may cause them to strike back or worse, feel guilty and repress their rightful anger, which is not helpful.

Asterisk

I would ABSOLUTELY participate. Great idea Ladybugmaam

ETA - to expand Sisoon - I think that would be a good place to share struggles when history must be discussed, or some trigger comes up after so much healing is done. IMHO it the same yet different due to the context of time. Discussions focus on similar topics but without the panic of the newly reconciled or reconciling (is this the end, is this the final nail in the coffin, is the other shoe dropping) but a place to discuss those boundaries that lead to such a long term reconciliation.

I can see usefullness where those long reconciled/reconciling couples that will have infidelity issues that arise and post about without the torches and pitchforks (I've admittedly carried both at times).

I may be rambling a bit - but I do see the distinction and would participate in such a thread.

[This message edited by Chaos at 2:12 PM, Friday, October 30th]

The support is impressive. It has convinced me.

OK, with a thread in ICR, what would be the ground rules? Should it be open to people with questions about LT R, or should only people already in LT R be allowed to post?

My bet is that it's not meant for people in LTMs after infidelity....

Excuse my ignorance....what is ICR?
Something recovery I assume...?

And would there be any definition of what the group might consider longer term?

Why would is not include people married? LTM's....I assume that means Long Term Marriage?

Just curious what would be considered a long term reconciliation? 5 years out from d day? Ten?

Just curious what would be considered a long term reconciliation? 5 years out from d day? Ten?

How about 35 or more years?

Also, define reconciliation -

Not "sticking it out for lack of a better option"

versus

"It was really relly hard and took a long time but we are now a happy pair and don't dwell on the long-past "social violation"

OK, with a thread in ICR, what would be the ground rules? Should it be open to people with questions about LT R, or should only people already in LT R be allowed to post?

My bet is that it's not meant for people in LTMs after infidelity....

Being placed in the ICR is better than nothing but I do have a concern it will be lost in the obscurity of that section. As an example, in this thread you are being asked what ICR is. I fear placing it in the I Can Relate threads will be a guaranteed failure to launch.

"Ground rules"

That is a tough one for I hate for anyone who wants to participate to be excluded. (It hits a tender spot - for excluding their spouse is what waywards did to their betrayeds, right.) But then, boundaries are important.

I believe having people ask questions of long-termers and having long-termers ask each other questions is great and important for both sides but what I think needs to be watched over is when people try to disprove what someone says worked or didn’t work for them. I just don't see this as a place for a debate. Rather sharing and connecting.

More importantly, I think it would be wise for the site to give a caution to those who didn’t reconcile and feel the need to push for divorce. I see it as no different than if I were to go to the divorce section on this site and proclaim that reconciliation was the best or only proper way to find healing. (Nothing would be further from the truth.

I think that LTM (long-term marriages) that just found out are going to be suffering from D-day shock therefore are more apt to be better served in the I Just Found Out section.

What establishes "long-term"? Probably somewhere 5-10 years post D-day.

Asterisk

[This message edited by Asterisk at 12:56 PM, Saturday, October 31st]

Just curious what would be considered a long term reconciliation? 5 years out from d day? Ten?

I think it takes about 3-years to see if R is real enough to keep going — shorter for some, longer for others.

Any relationship has setbacks, but I would imagine the spirit of such a thread would be more about the adversity being conquered.

I don’t think anyone adding to the conversation or had questions would worry too much about how many days of R they have under their belts.

So, I don’t see a strict restriction on days healed being enforced if the thread gets some traction.