SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m struggling with something that I’m hoping others who have experienced infidelity might understand or offer perspective on.

As painful as the affair has been, I’m realizing that some of my deepest hurt comes from a pattern in my marriage that existed long before the affair ever happened.

When I’m hurting, crying, scared, or emotionally overwhelmed, my husband often responds with anger, frustration, or distance rather than comfort. This isn’t exclusive to situations where he has hurt me. Years ago, after I got into a car accident when I was 2 months PP, I was in the car alone. I was shaken up and scared. I remember worrying that my husband would be angry because the accident was my fault. When I called him, he became angry, asked what I wanted him to do about it, and told me to figure it out. I remember feeling so abandoned and alone. I wasn’t just worried about the accident; I was heartbroken that my husband didn’t seem concerned about my emotional well-being.

I’ve explained these feelings to him many times over the years. 8+ years I’ve tried to communicate what I need and how much it hurts when I reach for him in vulnerable moments and am met with anger or withdrawal. But the pattern continues. It continued when he brought up open marriage a year into our own when our DD was one and I struggled so much but I tried, eventually the emotional abandonment led to me completely abandoning myself. I feel so stupid that I thought he would eventually be able to care about my feelings instead of feeling like I was constantly too much or too emotional. I spent many nights crying alone and feeling like something was wrong with me for not just being ok with him wanting to experience other people.

Since the affair, this dynamic has become even more painful. I need him to sit with my pain, reassure me, show me that he understands the damage he caused, and actively participate in rebuilding the emotional safety that was lost. I don’t want to talk about the affair forever, either. What I’ve tried to explain is that when he leans in, listens, comforts me, and takes initiative in our healing, I actually do better. I have fewer intrusive thoughts and can go longer without getting caught in the pain. When he becomes defensive, shuts down, or spirals into shame, I end up feeling even more alone, and all the fears come rushing back.

I’ve also noticed how differently we respond to each other’s pain. When he cries or struggles emotionally, I instinctively want to comfort him. I rub his back, ask questions, try to understand what he’s feeling, and reassure him. I make room for his pain, even when I’m hurting myself. But when I’m the one who needs comfort, he often withdraws or becomes angry, and I’m left trying to manage my feelings alone.

I keep wondering why it feels so difficult for him to offer me the same tenderness I offer him. I sometimes find myself questioning whether he loves me as deeply as I love him, even though I know I can’t truly know what he feels internally.

What I’m struggling with most right now is the fear that this is simply who he is. That perhaps he cannot love me in the way I’ve needed him to all along. I don’t want a different life. I love my husband, I love our family, and I want our marriage. I want the life we have, but with a husband who is emotionally present, supportive, and willing to do the hard work of becoming a safer partner for me. I feel like what I am asking for is foolish, like it's an impossible ask of a partner in life.

I want to feel seen and cherished. I want to know that he is grateful for the chance to repair our marriage and is willing to take meaningful action, including finding a therapist and doing his own work. I want to feel that my pain matters to him, that I am worth the difficult work of rebuilding trust, and that he wants to become the kind of husband who hears my heart and protects it even from his own reactions.

I’ve spent so much time trying to understand him, his struggles, and why he responds the way he does. But I’m exhausted by the thought that I might spend my life explaining the same needs and hoping that someday he will finally respond differently.

I think what I’m grieving is the possibility that I may never have the kind of emotional partnership I’ve always wanted with the person I love most.

For those of you further along in healing after infidelity, I would really appreciate your perspective. Have you experienced this kind of longstanding emotional disconnection alongside the affair? Have you seen a partner genuinely change this pattern, especially when it existed long before the betrayal? How did you distinguish between someone who struggles with emotional intimacy but is willing to grow and someone who simply cannot or will not meet you there?

I want to feel seen and cherished. I want to know that he is grateful for the chance to repair our marriage and is willing to take meaningful action, including finding a therapist and doing his own work. I want to feel that my pain matters to him, that I am worth the difficult work of rebuilding trust, and that he wants to become the kind of husband who hears my heart and protects it even from his own reactions.

This is what most betrayed spouses want. This is the starting line for reconciliation. Unfortunately, pleading will not work. You cannot force, cajole or encourage him to own and fix his shit. The only thing you can do is establish baseline expectations for reconciliation with as much clarity as possible.

About six months after d-day, I gave my (now ex) WW a simple choice: make an appointment with a therapist or a divorce lawyer. She chose the therapist. It was certainly a risk. She could have chosen a divorce.

If you want to save your marriage you're going to have to risk its demise. That seems counter-intuitive to many BS hoping to reconcile. However, by taking a walk down Infidelity Lane the wayward has already risked the marriage. Indeed, many BS already consider the marriage over on d-day (as did I).

I think it's perfectly reasonable to offer the gift of reconciliation. However, generally speaking, terms and conditions apply. Establishing and enforcing those terms and conditions are difficult to do. Finding the strength and courage when you're feeling devastated, scared and alone isn't easy. It is critical, however, because the majority of WS want to avoid the consequences of their choices and actions, sweep it all under the rug, and simply move on with life. Until they are convinced that this approach is entirely unacceptable, they'll maintain the status quo.

Years ago, a group of BW would encourage each other to strap on their finest "batch boots" and give their WH a switch kick in the ass (or elsewhere ). I'd suggest the same.

Unhinged

Thank you for the thoughtful reply.

Finding the strength and courage when you're feeling devastated, scared and alone isn't easy. It is critical, however, because the majority of WS want to avoid the consequences of their choices and actions, sweep it all under the rug, and simply move on with life.

We are 10 months out now from DDay and this hit me hard. I'm realizing and seeing that sheer willpower and his want to be able to be there for me emotionally is a big ask. I had a lot of hope the A would be the swift kick he needed to change this pattern. Wishful thinking doesn't get anyone very far.

Thankful for the advice, I'm devastated but I guess this is what it will take. I can't keep living like this.

Yes Raven, I understand you, I’m also married to a dismissive avoidant.

Firstly, do not comfort him. He has to learn to sit inside the pain he caused, these are the consequences of HIS choices and tell him to get a comfortable chair.

My H would run for the hills at any sign of me being emotional or upset in the past, he’d avoid me like the plague, see me as being too much and demanding. Living like this for 25 years I learned to shrink and or look after myself, I was certain that my H would not or could not give me the emotional intimacy and support I knew I needed to R. He has and then some, he can detect a spiral in me before even I can, he knows what I need and when, he’s here for me whenever I need him and I have done everything in my power to drive this man away, he doesn’t flinch.
It’s quite unnerving at first, it sometimes still can be after living with someone with the emotional intelligence of a doughnut for 25 years, then this idiot shows up. Therapy, books, time and lots and lots of gruelling conversations and reflection, he’s been pretty solid for some time now, he needs to be because at times I can be a handful - I’d say the emotional equivalent of trying to wrangle a velociraptor.
R is not easy, it’s hard.

Until you express what you need, and you know what you need because you have written it in your post, nothing will change. He needs to go to therapy and he needs to look at himself and his patterns, he needs to learn why he is the way he is. If he wants to remain in your life then this is a requirement

When I’m hurting, crying, scared, or emotionally overwhelmed, my husband often responds with anger, frustration, or distance rather than comfort.

Yes it seems to be often the case.

Raven understand that isn’t about you, is about the wayward flaws.
And the cheater feels it deep down, triggering shame for what they do, did and will do (unless change they know they are following that path through inertia ma, and weak people can’t change easily).

How do you counter shame?

Trashing you.
If you become worthless the self loathing is diminished and doesn’t feel as bad.

Devaluation, minimization, disrespect and avoidance of your pain are all I. The recipe for the self indulgent platter of shame reduction.

You pay for the whole thing.

It’s another for. Of escapism, this time from self reflection, accountability and remorse.

Feeding the shame keeps the broken person safe from ever having to confront reality.

I agree with what was advised to you.

You will not find empathy for your emotions. But theywill find your boundaries if they are iron clad cold and keeping their abusive ess out of your life. And they will scratch at those begging to be allowed in.

That’s when you see change.
Not that they are entitled to be let in unless you feel like you want to.
They worked hard to get to the position they are I. (And put you in) today. Done next to noth8ng to fix the dumpster fire they created.

But feel entitled.

Entitlement can fuck off in this case.

Good luck sister, keep allowing your emotion out.
You have been heard

I’d suggest your H needs professional help to understand WHY he cannot be emotionally connected to you.

Love is easy when things are going well. But he cannot "love" you if he is yelling at you or abandoning you at a time of distress or when you need him.

Really - how hard is it to give you a hug and you cry on his shoulder? It’s not hard - but for some reason he cannot do that.

And HE needs to figure out why.

"Emotional Intelligence of a Doughnut"

🤣😂🤣😂

Bruce...that really made me smile. Not the reality of it, but just how you called it out. Peace Sister...✌️

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 11:04 AM, Friday, October 30th]

Therapy, books, time and lots and lots of gruelling conversations and reflection, he’s been pretty solid for some time now, he needs to be because at times I can be a handful - I’d say the emotional equivalent of trying to wrangle a velociraptor.

Bruce123
Your story gives me some hope but damn it's really difficult to maintain. With the A because it was "only driven by sexual deviance" (WH words) he has not initiated any self reflection outside of addressing the sexual aspect. Whereas due to my incessant need to understand I would pour myself into understanding infidelity and the underlying patterns. The entitlement, ego... If anything it feels like a complete lack of respect towards me based on a history of him feeling "above me" like he saved me and therefore whenever I have brought up these patterns and him needing to address it they haven't resulted in any action. Pornography focused csat sessions (8 of them) is the only work he's done. Its like if I ask him to do therapy or read a book I can sense him internally thinking that I'm wrong about him and those aren't his issues so nothing comes from it. I did last night after a conversation brought up how him being able to care for me on an emotional level is no longer something that is optional and necessary and he stated he needs therapy and he does have some soul searching to do. The conversation still reeked in defensiveness and of course he brought up how his needs of feeling like he has an equal partner came up. He tried to say that the pattern of emotionally neglecting me came from those needs not being met which was maddening and made the whole conversation devolve again. It feels like I'm constantly in a competition with the version of me he has built in his head, and it isn't one that seems to being a lot of value into his life. which just made me feel like again he looks back at marriage before the A and feels justified in the way he was vs taking accountability that maybe he is a deeply flawed person. Of course the phrase "you're just perfect aren't you?" Gets thrown out making me just feel smaller and smaller because it's so far from who I am, I just feel so unseen for who I am and what I have brought and being to this relationship.

I'm rambling now, but suffice to say I can't keep living like this. I've tied my worth to his views of me for so long and I'm withering away. I don't have much ammo right now because I am in an extremely vulnerable position. 7 months pregnant and SAHM to twin toddlers and an oldest. I'm drowning and really am not in a position to emotionally handle a separation/divorce so I haven't ever threatened it. Just made it clear we will not make it if he doesn't do the work I've been begging for the past 10 months.

Thank you again for sharing.

BackfromtheStorm

Your post summarizes my understanding entirely, in my current vulnerable state I in a fked up way still find myself wondering what am I doing wrong?!? I hate feeling like I'm smarter than this man because he is intelligent but it constantly feels like I'm trying to break through to a child. I find myself shutting down because the rebuttals are just so far from where I am. It really feels as though he thinks low of me and his ego is still telling him he is better or knows better than me. My God I brought up how he's entitled and the entitlement played a huge role in his A and his response is "what does that EVEN mean, I'm not entitled or whatever you think that word means"

I'm exhausted. I'm sad. He has amazing qualities but accountability and self examination are non existent beyond his focus on his sexual inclinations. I want him, I love this man and have poured everything into our relationship and family for the last decade. I want to be in this but my mental health is deteriorating.

The1stWife

When things are good things are amazing, he finds it easy to express how much he values me and how amazing I am but the moment hard feelings show up it's complete shutdown. Ego, entitlement, my own shortcomings are made the focus and he devolves into "I ruined everything and you'll never love me the same again" all encompassing doom including sharing his suicidal thoughts and it leaves me shattered. My empathy traps me into wanted to scream NO YOU AREN'T HEARING ME I DONT THINK ANY OF THAT. I haven't ever said any of the things he says about himself. He needs help, I worked with my own therapist to stop setting up hoops and saving him from himself but it still hasn't resulted in any changes.

I think it's imperative for BSes to define their requirements for R. That means identifying deal killers for themselves - as a BS, your best approach is to decided what will cause you to walk away.

Then share the requirements with your WS to see if they'll meet your requirements. Risk your M to save it.

Supporting you when you're hurting seems like a requirement for M. Your H isn't meeting it. You can't know if he can or can't meet it unless he knows it's a requirement.

With an infant on the way and 3 other kids, now may not be a good time to risk your M, but when you're ready - and the sooner the better - stop telling him you need support. Tell him it's a requirement. Unhinged choice is a good one - make an appoint with a good IC or with a good D lawyer.

I hate feeling like I'm smarter than this man because he is intelligent but it constantly feels like I'm trying to break through to a child.

This is a sharp observation because when we deal with our WS we aren’t dealing with a child, but it is exactly like dealing with a child.

As in denial of the evidence, lack of accountability, entitlement to be held dear even after putting you through the worst abuse in your life, expectation of forgiveness and acceptance of continued abuse.

That is all turning down to their character flaws and you play the role of being the pivot to keep their low self worth protected by feeding the cheater ego.

Which means dehumanization and devaluation of you as a human being.
They are disconnected as in dissociated from the empathy of your pain, compartmentalizing their shut with the narrative of self indulgence (not objective but as excuse for abuse and debauchery) and they have to do so.

They have to because the moment they stop doing that, they have to confront the truth.

The truth being an horror of their own making where they sacrificed you and your relationship on the altar of the ego and betrayal.

Which is to Amit to yourself you are actually becoming garbage, you choose it, is not that you were, but now you reached it.

Seeing in the mirror is a shock the underdeveloped child is incapable to bear, but instinctively know that is going to happen if hey "see you" and what they done through their sane side, not the dysfunctional one.

And this subconscious knowledge is terrifying, so they avoid and compartmentalize, devaluing and humiliating you, is just part of the equation.

It feels like confronting a child because the scared child unresolved issues is what they are defending from confronting, and you are the link between the fantasy and the new horror they created in your reality.

So he runs. They often do.