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I recently posted in another forum about a job opportunity that for some reason had my anxieties spinning.

It’s occurred to me now that what is making me reach out is that I am finding myself in endless rumination in which I make these imagined perceptions of me torture me.

I have been in such a good headspace, I am good about trying to be in the space of an objective observer of my thoughts. I am trying to name what is coming up for me in this process.

It’s not the job, its that familiar thought pattern has returned where I obsess and over analyze details and believe the worst things. I am hoping that maybe I can work on relaxing over the weekend and practicing mindfulness and probably this has been worsened by poor sleep this week.

I don’t know what I am looking for here. I just haven’t felt this struggle in a long time. It feels like grief. And I have to find a way to sit with what this is and what it’s telling me. I just passed my 50th birthday, and for reference I had an affair 10 years ago, which makes me fear if am going to be a person who has some existential crisis every decade.

I also know that’s catastrophizing, because this hasn’t been going on long, maybe a few weeks. I think I am panicking because I don’t like these feelings, but it’s unrealistic that we don’t experience these valleys.

H’s health is much better and we are doing well. We have an anniversary trip coming up in November. A much needed time and I think that’s going to help me. Our kids and grandkids are all thriving. I am healthy and have so much to be grateful for.

Anyway, if you listened to this rambling, thanks. I need to write it out, that always grounds me.

Another grounding thought as I sign off—-at least this time around I know the issue isn’t external, so there’s that.

[This message edited by hikingout at 11:11 PM, Friday, October 30th]

Is there something specific that you're ruminating about or is it more of a case of just general grief and unrest? Is there a target for these thoughts or are you feeling unrest overall?

I'm not going to pretend to have any kind of deep insight or anything, but I can understand general feelings of unrest and uneasiness or questioning myself. I've had bouts of depression. Sometimes it just helps to get it out and talk to others and try to pinpoint it.

If anything, and I think you know this, we're here for you. I know I value your presence here. You've helped me more than you know, even in your replies to others.

50 is a big birthday. Just this year I turned 56, so I'm on the north side of creeping toward the big six-o. I can remember being in my 30s and thinking it was so far off. Now my son is the age I was when he was born! Where did all that time go?

Emotions are messages and giving them an outlet is a good way to get order before it becomes chaos.

I might be on the younger side but I doubt that it is too connected with the time as you reclaim your center.
You can live in the present and the present you ain’t different from yesterday’s you or tomorrow morning you, those moments seem different only if we build a narrative around or we play according to the narrative we written or fantasize about.

That is unlikely to be your case, but you can hear those echoes and name them now, while you breathe in the present.

I bet you will learn something, not become overwhelmed.

What do you think you are grieving?

Sometimes when I'm anxious I try to think of the best case scenario, the worst case scenario, and the most likely scenario. And usually all of those things are survivable, you know? Cuz I've been through worse.

HikingOut, I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I have more frequent dark periods - maybe once a year though last year it was twice - and just like you, there is a return of the particular thought patterns that are difficult for me (which are different than yours, I don't get ruminating and anxious. It's more that I start with a conclusion - "you are a bad mother" or "you waste your time and spend it in unimportant ways" or "you are not keeping up your end of the marriage bargain" - and then everything seems like evidence that fits that conclusion. It seems like there's nothing I can do to change it. It leads to depressive periods more than anxious periods).

I remember the first time that happened after I had done so much post-infidelity work and I was SO unhappy. I've done all this work! I've found ways out! But the old ways weren't working anymore. It turned into a time of experimentation, trying new things, conversations with friends about what works for them. Although I didn't like the valleys, the new things I learned in the valleys were valuable and precious, and now I've developed some faith that the difficult times will result in something good (though I still REALLY don't like the dark periods).

I can give specific examples if it helps, but I'm sure that the things I found are different than the things you will find. It's the search that's important, and the openness to letting go of the old ways and being open to new. Not TOTALLY letting go of course, but variation, shrinking something, finding a different way, welcoming something totally new. I hope that makes sense and is not too abstract.

Also - I'm a few years older than you - last summer when I was having a hard time literally seven different women my age or a bit older spontaneously spoke about their positive experience with hormone replacement therapy. I had not been thinking of that since my menopause symptoms didn't seem severe. I believe in the Holy Spirit moving in our lives in ways that are unpredictable and unsoughtout, so I took that as a sign and looked into and started HRT. I don't know if that was part of why I came out of that particular dark period, because I was throwing a LOT of spaghetti at the wall, but it might have been an important part and I recommend looking into it.

Grandchildren!! You are so lucky. I am hopeful but it hasn't happened yet.

How is your garden?

Not sure about what the grief is. I laid down last night, my husband rubbed my back and I had a very deep cry, which has helped me some.

Could be a hangover from where my husband had open heart surgery over the summer. I have had to be very strong through a long scary time of healing that included him having an TIA several weeks later and it might just be a transition back to being able to be softer again.

The passage of time, my husband is older, and I have been coming to terms where one day I may not have him.

But some of it is coming from a transition of being a traveler where I was out living life but socially isolated. I came back to work in a much larger fishbowl than I had been in previously. I had a toxic experience that really made me question my abilities after a long succession career, and now I am poised to want to take over the department I started in as leadership has now churned and maimed that opportunity.

The ruminations are my old habit of focusing more on how I am being perceived rather than being able to stay in my newish mode of being most concerned with perceiving myself. It’s been easy to stay in my own energy in isolation and then trying to maintain a low profile but I am finding it difficult to maintain that peace in this new paradigm.

And I imagine the worst perceptions possible from all these people around me. It’s the funhouse mirror situation in which I had always operated? And after slowly turning it around the last five years, I think I am just freaked out to feel this way again, and it leads to obsessive rumination.

Baby steps. I had a good cry, a good sleep, and I have plans to spend the weekend relaxing and getting my balance back.

I think it’s just growth and getting back out of my comfort zone, but then again what if I have just been hiding from the issues and now when I want to get back into taking risks and living my potential I am hitting the same brick wall. I know I need to work on that narrative and it’s part of the problem.

I am doing the things though-self care, talking a lot to my husband and others instead of holding it all in and pretending, and I am going to work on it this time instead of accepting this mode of operations and drifting into a deeper problem.

I am just struggling and it’s unrealistic to think I would never struggle again. I am leaning into it this time and watching for escapism. To be clear I in no way think this positions another affair. This is me really trying to listen to myself a d trying to sort out what to work on.

I also think maybe this is grief that may be amplified by late stage perimenopause? Holding that as a possibility as well.

[This message edited by hikingout at 4:33 PM, Saturday, October 31st]

Hey Hikingout,

It’s nice to hear your H is well and his health is improving.

I ruminate a lot, over the past year I’ve learned a lot about myself and my rumination.
It’s just a suggestion but from what you have wrote is there anyway you could be feeling sad because you are 50 and this (what you ruminate about) is how people will see you?.
I know my rumination is my brain attempting to protect/prepare me from what I fear.
I also tend to ruminate just waking from sleep and in the bath, both vulnerable times, I wonder if your recent rumination is because you have been busy carrying a lot because of your H’s surgery and health, now you are a little more vulnerable to let things in.
These are just suggestions from what I’ve learned about myself, I could be completely wrong.

Congratulations on your 50th birthday and have a great break away.

Yes, I do think I am sad because it feels like I haven’t overcome something I had. Maybe the age part not as strongly. Your statement helped me sort between those two feelings.

I also realized in writing that I am also realizing I am probably being hard on myself all the way around. I will digest that. Thank you.